Gimpin’ Ain’t Easy

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Gimpy Story Time: The Night That I Accidentally Became Part of a Drag Show

I’m going to warn you that this story is going to sound too weird to be true, but it’s not even the weirdest story I have.  However, it is the most fabulous one, featuring a glitter beard, a crocheted ball cap with an attached unibrow, and  veggie burgers.

Before this pregnancy sapped the life out of me, I had a little side gig.  It was basically gimpy mystery shopping, but instead of just reporting on the service, I also had to evaluate wheelchair accessibility and any other accommodations offered.  This job was at a little club that specialized in drag shows and comedy sets.  It was like a knockoff Hamburger Mary’s.

I did my first walk through right before they opened so that I could see what kind of arrangements would be made for my service dog.  I didn’t take her to the actual show because I felt like she would be in the way since she’s a bigger dog.  This turned out to be very fortunate because she probably would have misunderstood the situation and thought I was being attacked.

Once the show started, we were seated at one of the few tables since a booth would be too difficult to transfer into.  This put us right in front of the stage and I was having a ball.  We already had a couple of customers come up to admire my super weird Sasha Velour tribute bald hat with an attached unibrow that I crocheted and my burly husband’s pink glittered beard.  (He’s just as weird as I am).  Keep in mind that I squeeze myself into a 16 inch child sized wheelchair because it’s easier to maneuver in small spaces.  The people who came up to us noticed the chair, but I doubt anyone else did.

Since our tickets, food and travel expenses were paid for by the owner, I decided to use the $100 I would have spent to tip the performer and the waitress.  I’m not sure if it is like this everywhere, but here, you don’t throw money on the stage.  You hold it up and they come by to take it during the performance.

I’m not sure if she thought I was a VIP because we were seated so close or if she was just excited about the $50, but she grabbed my hand and tried to pull me onstage.  I shook my head, but she kept pulling.  My husband and I both started yelling “I can’t!” and point to my  wheelchair. At first I was afraid that she couldn’t hear me over the music.  Apparently she did because she tried to pick me up.  Now this wasn’t some delicate flower.  This 6 foot tall drag queen was determined to pick me up.  Unfortunately, seatbelts are designed to keep me in place through falls, car accidents and, apparently, attempted drag queen abduction.

An audience member next to us figured out what was going on fairly quickly and had the DJ turn off the music so the DQ could hear me.  She was horrified, but the rest of us were laughing like big donkeys.  It was so crazy that everyone assumed that it was part of the act.   To make matters worse, my condition causes my joints to be hypermobile and my shoulder dislocated.  It literally happens 3 or 4 times a week, but it did look really scary when my husband popped it back.

I thought the manager and the DQ were going to have heart attacks.  Once I assured them that I was fine and having a great time, they went back to the show.  The lovely queen refused my tip, but she did take my crocheted “wig”.

Passive Aggressive Christmas Gifts

I love the holidays,  but I hate feeling like I have to buy gifts for everyone who comes in contact with my child.  Don’t get me wrong —- I appreciate  (most) of his teachers, but Christmas is for children so I doubt they really need another apple shaped paperweight.   I do crochet things for those who I know well enough to know what they like, but a few people are added to the shopping list because I feel like I have to get something.   Here are a few suggestions for gifts that are just ambiguous enough to make them wonder,  “if it’s the thought that counts,  what were you thinking?”

 

For the person who thinks they deserve a Major Award, but you know better:

 

 

Major award

I wish that I could post a pattern, but it was really just trial and error.  This was crocheted, but I’m sure you can knit or sew one as well.

 

For the person who thinks they’re #1, but you know they are more like a big #2:

 

 

These are more cute than gross and taste great!

 

For those who think they have been nice, but you know they are on the naughty list:

DIY Charcoal Bath Bombs

  • 1/2 cup baking soda
  • 1/4 cup citric acid
  • 1/4 cup cornstarch
  • 1/4 cup Epsom salts
  • 1 tablespoon activated charcoal
  • 3 tablespoons vegetable oil
  • 1 tablespoon water
  • 1 teaspoon of black gel food coloring

In a bowl, combine your dry ingredients with a whisk.  Pour the vegetable oil, water, and 1/2 teaspoon of the food coloring into a spray bottle and mix well.  Here’s the tricky part–  spritz your dry ingredients with as little liquid as possible, mixing with the whisk until the mixture comes together.  Too much water will make it fizz too soon, leaving you with a useless mess.  Pack your mixture tightly into a bath bomb mold or just squish into a lump for a more realistic apprearance. Remove your finished bomb from its mold and allow to dry overnight.

For someone who doesn’t deserve a gross tub, but still deserves coal:

 

 

I couldn’t try them, because of the gluten. (Plus, I’m far too nauseated these days)   However,  N and my darling husband loved them.

 

For the guy who thinks he’s the messiah, but you just think he stinks:

 

Three Kings Soap:

Melt and pour soap

Frankincense essential oil

Myrrh essential oil

Gold cosmetic grade glitter

 

Directions:

Simply melt down the soap, add fragrance and glitter, then pour into molds.  Of course you can make soap the old fashioned way,  but I am not coordinated enough to play around with lye.